Hot or Not? A discussion on the shades of gray in superficial attraction

I find it quite insincere when someone calls another person "fucking ugly" when they usually have no intent or desire whatsoever to fuck said "ugly." Perhaps they should refer to such an eyesore of a person as "Keep it on! ugly" or maybe "virgin ugly." I think either of those terms would be easily more accurate and genuine. Interestingly enough, an "ugly fuck" on the other hand is not misleading at all because to fuck said "ugly" would truly result in an exhibition of ugly fucking.

Clearly though, the mere existence of the term "fucking ugly," which henceforth shall be renamed "Keep it on! ugly," implies that ugly is hardly uniform but rather operates on a scale of ugly with "Keep it on! ugly" ranking fairly low. A "butter face" serves as a counter example since such a person may still fall into the ugly category but can maintain an active social and romantic life by luring partners with their attractive bodies. "But her face!" potential targets cry out. It may pose as a deal-breaker for some, but for others, it may only pose a minor setback in a world riddled with shortcomings. Therefore, a "butter face" inches towards the hotness line while a "Keep it on! ugly" remains stranded miles away.

Conversely, there exist varying degrees of hotness (get it? degrees?...WORDPLAY!). For example, "sweatpants hot" is a commonly desired level of hotness in a potential mate. Such a person is "hot" even in sweatpants. But that's not to say said person gets hot in sweatpants because of course they do. That's what happens when one wears heavy cotton-poly blend apparel that is distinctly made to induce heat.

"Sweatpants hot" often holds a spot right below other highly coveted levels of hotness such as "flu hot" (I do not mean that such a person has a fever, but rather they look good even when they are disheveled, snot-covered and bed-ridden with the flu) or "manure hauler hot."
If one encounters a person that can maintain their hot even while getting knee-deep in a heaping pile of hot manure and smelling like cow dung, one should "holler" at this hot hauler.

At the opposite end of the hot spectrum is hotness specific to a region. "Philly hot" (a term renowned fashion designer and aspiring lawyer Michael Jacob knows plenty about) implies that one maintains a level of attractiveness that only seems high on a scale relative to the average person in Philadelphia. This proves to be quite misleading, however, because the city of Philadelphia ranks as one of America's ugliest and fattest cities. Not surprisingly, it is also the home of the much venerated cheesesteak. A person characterized as "Philly hot" unfortunately becomes "New York refuse" or "L.A. lonely" whenever they are a fish out of water. If ever a "Philly hot" is encountered, kindly inform them that leaving the city of brotherly love will only lead to their outcasting from society. Applying the adage "In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king" seems most appropriate.

Also at the low end of the stick is "club hot," a frustratingly deceptive hotness level that goes hand in hand with "outdoor ugly." Or in some alcohol-laden situations, "morning after ugly." One must always remeber that dark lighting, loud music, and a claustrophobic's nightmare of a dancefloor teeming with pheromones can heavily skew one's senses and sensibilities. "Club hots" should be approached with caution as they often represent a real gamble. It is in these situations, one should be prepared to employ the flashlight application on their iphone.

Academics and other scientific researchers continue to measure and classify these varying levels of attractiveness. In recent years, the hotness field has branched out as new studies have emerged carefully examining oxymoronic phenomena such as "fat hot" and "model ugly." Hotness studies continues to grow exponentially, but ultimately always remains one step behind a population and society constantly reimagining what constitutes hotness. Perhaps one day even uglies will be fucked.