And the winner is...

...Eva Mendes, the mildly attractive actress from such Oscar-worthy films as Maid in Manhattan, The Cell, and The Wedding Planner...wait, what? Eva Mendes isn't in any of those movies? Who the hell is Eva Mendes then? Ah well, she's gonna get trounced by the Green M&M in the later rounds anyway. But in this first round matchmaker matchup, she narrowly squeaked by the perennial joke-butt Sarah Palin aka "Soon to be the most cliche Halloween costume of 2008." It seems that female voters really carried Eva across the finish line after having some strong throwup-in-mouth reactions to the competition:

D: ugh

eva mendes duuuuh

me: u dont want me to take one for the team?

D: well, no - because i'm your roommate

and it'd be weird to have her walking around the apt wearing only your dress shirt or something

me: good answer

whatabout only my dress pants
[apparently for D, it would not be weird to have Eva Mendes walking around in only my dress shirt...would it be weird if I were walking around in only Eva's dress shirt?]

L: uhhhhhhh

u made me throwup in my mouth

after that Palin pic

me: its messed up ur hormones

L: the palinator M: i'd go with eva mendez cause she's hot and has a brain

M: screw palin. dumb b***h

me: haha, thanks!

how do u know eva has a brain? M: compared to palin, ALMOST everyone else has one

Most of the male voters on the other hand went for the Alaskan Ice Queen with such comments as these:

M: You should date the Maverick. Maverick Maverick. Maverick!

me: haha

she'll like that i shoot from the hip

M: if she can stand up to big oil, can she stand up to big penis/make big penis stand up? [why does M know about my penis size? big is a very relative term anyway]

Despicable. Females just had different criteria:

B: i vote for eva. i saw her at friend of a farmer one time and shes very pretty in person

and i wanted her coat

[apparently women love friends of farmers...there's just something about tilling soil and planting seeds...]

So Eva advances. But how long can she last in this royal rumble of love? ForEva Eva, forEva Eva??

Who should I date?

Eva Mendes
Why I like her: She’s hot and I’m attracted to hot. She's still a rising star, not yet on the level of JLo or Angelina, so if I get with her now, down the road when we get into arguments I can always pull out the I-supported-your-career-when-you-were-a-nobody card. Dispute settled. And I for one prefer to be on equal footing with my romantic companion...my romanion, if you will. Power dynamics are cancer to a relationship, so it's good that Eva is clearly in my league. She's just a tad bit uglier. I can live with that.

OR

Sarah Palin
Why I like her: If it’s discovered that she’s having an affair with me, that’s just one more scandal to throw on top of her pile o’ screw-ups that is her burning blimp of a campaign. Imagine if polaroids of me in a moose suit licking the stilettos of her dominatrix outfit made it to the front page of the Times. Bye bye McShame. Hello Cougar Hall of Fame. I'd be taking one for the team. Barack, just call me Maverick cuz I'm your wingman.

Top 3 titles for our 'leaked' home-movie sex-tape:
“Cuntry First”
“Palin’s Poopergate Investigation”
“Tina Fey Does It with Asian Guy”

The Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game aka Drink Till Palin Sounds Intelligent

Every time someone blurts out “man, she really looks like Tina Fey!” everyone yell “Lizzz Lemonnn” in your best Tracy Morgan impression and have a lemon drop shot.

Every time you have an impure thought about the MILFiest VP candidate of all time, make the sign of the cross over your wine glass and have a sip of the blood of Christ.

Every time Joe Biden mentions “Amtrak,” drink a shot with your party, one right after another, like a domino effect (or a waterfall or a train going round the bend). Before taking your shot, look your shot glass in the eyes and say “I choo-choo-choooose you!” Accompanying train-engineer fist pump is optional.

Every time Sarah Palin is quiet for far too long because she’s stumped by a question she can’t answer, the whole bar must have a moment of silence…for the last bit of Republican hope that just died.

Every time Sarah Palin mentions that John McCain chooses “Country First,” drink a redbull and take a dump in the nearest toilet. Then point at it and say, “Look, red [state] bullshit.”

Every time Sarah Palin defends her foreign policy experience by alluding to the proximity of Alaska to Russia and/or Canada, hug the person next to you and have a gulp of their drink. It doesn’t matter if you don’t really know them.

Every time Joe Biden makes a bad joke (e.g. “The only thing dumber than the McCain economic plan is your baby…..ewww….awkward turtle…”), do your best Fran Drescher cackle and sip your drink through your nose.

Every time someone says “pork barrel politics” or “earmarks,” buy a round of Blue Label Johnny Walker shots for the entire bar and put it on someone else’s tab. Go up to that person, pat them on the back, and say “Thanks taxpayer! Giggidy giggidy giggidy!”

Every time someone mentions the war in Iraq or Afghanistan, have a jaeger bomb or car bomb and try locating that country on a map. (If Sarah Palin mentions a war in Japan, have a sake bomb, slap your forehead, and yell “D’OH!”)

Every time Sarah Palin says John McCain showed leadership on the bailout plan for Wall Street, suspend all drinking activities and go directly to the office…until your co-workers tell you to go home ‘cuz you’re useless.

Every time Joe Biden says Barack Obama showed leadership on the bailout plan for Wall Street, write the bartender a $700 billion check. Don’t ask too many questions.

Every time a candidate invokes the word “change,” switch seats with someone and drink their drink…unless it was Sarah Palin who said it. In that case, pretend to switch seats with somebody, steal their money, and go back to your original seat and drink.

Every time you think to yourself that this is the stupidest shit I’ve ever seen, leave the bar immediately and book yourself a one-way ticket to Canada. (Note: If you don’t know where that is, just remember that it’s the place that shares a land-border with the state of Alaska.)

Sarah Palin's Facebook Page (click to see full)

Stoopid Ass Etymological Question of the Day

Why do they call the front passenger seat of a car "shotgun?" If anything, it should be called "semi-automatic" for the 9mm stashed in the glove compartment. But maybe that's just my 90's rap roots talking. As we all know shotguns aren't really the preferred firearm of choice in the urban environment. You can't exactly tuck a shotgun into your draws and call it 'concealed.' Therefore, "shotgun" has gotta be a term from Hicksville, Alabama (a real place I shit you not...I don't think I could literally shit you anyway; you're far to big to emerge from my anal cavity). And that's some crazy shit too 'cuz you can't even hide a shotgun in the front seat of a car and/or pickup truck. And tractor trailers don't even have passenger seats. They're like the unicycle of the farm vehicle world. But anyway, the shotgun, it's just out in the open in that passenger seat like "Hey, everybody, look at me and my shotgun driving around the farmer's market. We are badass people. Don't front on our giant tomatoes or we will shoot you in the red neck!"

In the 1920's I bet they called the front passenger seat "tommy gun." "I call tommy!" Joseph 'Babyface' Mulroney would exclaim as he and his fellow gangsters rushed to the getaway car. And in the 1020's it was probably called the "sword and scabbard," and it referred to the stool right next to the wooden-leg captain Robert the Scurvy Scourge of the Seven Seas. "No backseat sailing or else I'm turning this galleon right back around to Antigua! Argghhh!!"

And in prehistoric times they called it the "rock to the face." But instead of a passenger seat, it was the spot in front of two people walking behind you and one person walking to your left. That's how they traveled back then. I know this. I'm a certified historian/time traveler. You punkass, don't doubt me.

So anyway, do "shotgun weddings" have more to do with the front seat of a car or with the barrel of Elmer Fudd's gun? "Shhh, be vewy vewy qwuiet...I'm hunting for wifeys."



Also seems appropriate that McCain's choice of Palin is referred to as a "shotgun wedding." She's definitely riding shotgun, holding a shotgun, and aiming at anything with antlers, community organizing experience, or a press pass.

"God Hugging Us Closer"

from urbandictionary.com, your online source for the meaning of slang you pretend to understand:

flerg - the state of a man's penis when it is not erect

boner-shrinker - the mystical pixie dust secreted by the attractively challenged and/or by freezing cold water that results in male flaccidity

She Got McCained!

I wonder how many times George, I mean John, McCain has thought about casting his rod into Palin's Alaskan front. She's like a less attractive Tina Fey...without the humor...and without the pro-choiceness...and without Tracy Morgan ("Liz Lemonnn!").

EDIT
----------
Caption: McSame says, "damn, I wanna tap her youthful base. I wanna drill her oil reserve. I wanna fill her oval office!"

Palin says, "jerry atric over here keeps calling me by the wrong name. I hope his pacemaker gives. He smells like old balls."