Crap Super Powers!

(compiled from twitter entries. you're not following me on twitter yet? what kind of lame internet stalker are you?)

the ability to armpit fart without using your hands

the ability to leap over tall couches

the ability to ambi-turn

the ability to appear on the jimmy fallon show

the ability to teleport only to the state of Delaware

the ability to break an ankle in order to become a supreme court justice

the ability to shit a squirrel

the ability to look into a crystal ball only to watch your girlfriend cheat on you

the ability to gain 50 pounds immediately when seeing your ex lover

the ability to hear what it sounds like when doves cry

the ability to chew broken glass in situations when u say "i'd rather chew broken glass than be doing this"

the ability to not be Gary Coleman

the ability to communicate with jungle monkeys while your friends do cool things like control fire, earth, wind, water...

the ability to live in your mom's basement while all your friends get super successful

the ability to turn anything you touch into BLOOD!

the ability to see the future of only Vanilla Ice

the ability to ruin Watchmen by making it into a movie

the ability to commit ventriloquist flatulence and throw your farts across the room

the ability to make people seem not racist by being their token non-white friend. I'm looking at you Clarence Thomas!

the ability to twitter while at work

the ability to communicate with guidos

kinda like cyclops: the ability to shoot party streamers from your eyes. "it's always a party when you blink"

the ability to always have entrance music playing when u walk out of an elevator

the ability to lift objects a tenth of your weight

the ability to only access your super powers through a free beta iphone app

the ability to have that nerdy guy with the glasses and the entire verizon network follow you wherever you go

the ability to laugh at your own jokes when no one else does

the ability to express emotion by projecting emoticons on your face

the ability to finish second in everything

the ability to be smoking hot but only be able to attract douchebags

the ability to get ice cream headaches while eating hot foods!

the ability to READ!

the ability to give birth to sextuplets and make your husband hate you

the ability to be fooled twice, with no shame befalling you

the ability to expend all your creative energy on twitter while getting fired for neglecting your work

Fun with Online Communication Questions of the Day

Does Will Smith run a secret wordpress where he writes entries as "I Am The Legend of Blogger Vance"?

Does Parker Brothers run a live journal about board games under the name "Bloggle"?

Does Oscar-winning director of Crouching Tiger and Brokeback Mountain post online about how he's a fuckup in life as "xAnga Lee"?

Does the wife a former Democratic Vice President tweet constant status updates about the environment as "Twipper Gore"?

Can I instant message the rehab reject, black-soul imitating singer "AIMeeWinehouse" and tell her to lay off the smack?

Is America's Best Dance Crew as articulate with their words as they are with their bodies when they live journal as the "Jabbabloggeez"?

Can I find the twitter page of London white-boy rapper under the name "The STweets"?

Does the baddest badass in history Chuck Norris send SMS messages as "Walker Textas Ranger"? The only text you will ever get from Chuck Norris is 'Look behind you.' This is also the last text you will ever get.

Can I friend the dejected Giants wide receiver "Plaxo-co Burress" over an online social networking site and remind him to keep the safety on?

Does the pope only follow one person on Twitter because he believes in "monotweetism"? However, that's a concept I still don't understand because the 'one' person is really three people updating. He says that I just need to have faith in the "Holy Tweetnity."

Suck My Tweets

First it was AOL profiles. Next was Asian Ave. Then it was Friendster. Followed by Xanga. Then MySpace. Soon to be dominated by Facebook. And subsequently Blogger and sometimes Youtube. Now it's Twitter. Yes, that's right, I'm on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/Boogie_Brown). It's official folks, I have no social life. (But I suppose that was the case pre-CompuServe days anyway.) I am completely hooked up to the Matrix right now, and any and all resistance is ultimately futile. You might as well call me Boogie Borg. (Yes, a Star Trek TNG reference right after a Matrix ref. I'm really embracing my inner geeksta.)

I am now transforming my daily mundane thoughts and experiences into cyber descriptions of my mundane thoughts and experiences, and guess what? They go straight to your cell phone! Now I can annoy you from anywhere in the world! This is clearly the work of some deviant megalomaniacal super-villain. Lex Luther wishes he created something half as twistedly brilliant.

I haven't quite mastered the 140-character tweet yet, but I think I'm doing moderately well. Here's a sample of some of the twitterific tweets you're currently missing out on:

"Do you ever wonder what it feels like to be on the other side of a Care Bear stare? I'd prolly jiz out a heart."

"I wonder if Mike Tyson is on twitter. Who wouldn't want updates about his threats to stomp on your children's testicles?"

"If i were to get a face tattoo, it'd be microscopic so that from afar it looks like a mole but under magnifying glass you'd see my portrait."

"Ugh, in Philly. Don't get me wrong, I like Philly but it's like the training bra of big cities."

"The woman that just walked by me had the deepest voice I ever heard. Waitaminute..."

"I think dmetri martin is biting my shit...not to say he's a fecal eater, but that his comedy seems like it straight from me blahg."

So hurry up and let me tweet you all day into twitterdom, yout twitterful little twitt. (http://www.twitter.com/Boogie_Brown)

Twitter me this, twitter me that

I have just been informed that I may have to begin twittering for work. And no, twitter is not some euphemism for an illicit sexual deed, as in "I caressed her blog, and she twittered like never before." Twitters are those automatic updating feeds on the everyday ongoings of people's lives, often serving as a reminder that even the most celebrated and revered are hopelessy mundane at the daily level.

I can only imagine the type of riveting mass updates I would be paid to deliver every hour from my office desk:

"Hmm, it is 9:30. What will I have for lunch today? Menu pages!"

"This paper clip ladder is going into the Guinness Book of World Records! I could climb down the Empire State Building on this thing!"

"20-minute power nap on the toilet...so refreshed! Hope Wanda who sits by the bathroom doesn't give me the judging I-know-you-just-office-pooed eyes."

"Head down + furrowed brow + highlighter in hand = looking busy. Little do they know that I'm just drawing neon green puppies in the margins of my office-mate's planner. You just got Atomic Dogged!"

"hehe, this game is great: http://www.break.com/games/icebreaker.html. It makes me feel like Jason Strathorn in Crank."

"That's not what I expected Human Tetris to look like. I was anticipating a video of people falling on top of one another in neat little stacks."

"Time for a real office poo...and maybe another toilet nap."

"Just got caught dancing in the elevator, again. I tried playing it off as if I were stretching, but really, who stretches doing the Kid n Play?"

"New ad campaign for candy cigarettes: Need a smoke break but hate smoke?"

"If I keep printing out 20 page documents, it appears as though I am doing important work. Clearly I am willing to sacrifice the environment to maintain the ruse of productivity. So be it."

"Googling my name produces innapropriate and unflattering results? How do I resolve this?"

"Ugh, my leg just fell asleep. Lucky leg!"

"Sitting in this chair for 8 hours straight probably has the same effect on my ass that snorting coke has on my brain :)"

"What if I snuck viagra into my co-worker's vitamins? Do you think he'd get a raise?"

"Time to leave! Peace out! Lights out!"