Crap Super Powers!

(compiled from twitter entries. you're not following me on twitter yet? what kind of lame internet stalker are you?)

the ability to armpit fart without using your hands

the ability to leap over tall couches

the ability to ambi-turn

the ability to appear on the jimmy fallon show

the ability to teleport only to the state of Delaware

the ability to break an ankle in order to become a supreme court justice

the ability to shit a squirrel

the ability to look into a crystal ball only to watch your girlfriend cheat on you

the ability to gain 50 pounds immediately when seeing your ex lover

the ability to hear what it sounds like when doves cry

the ability to chew broken glass in situations when u say "i'd rather chew broken glass than be doing this"

the ability to not be Gary Coleman

the ability to communicate with jungle monkeys while your friends do cool things like control fire, earth, wind, water...

the ability to live in your mom's basement while all your friends get super successful

the ability to turn anything you touch into BLOOD!

the ability to see the future of only Vanilla Ice

the ability to ruin Watchmen by making it into a movie

the ability to commit ventriloquist flatulence and throw your farts across the room

the ability to make people seem not racist by being their token non-white friend. I'm looking at you Clarence Thomas!

the ability to twitter while at work

the ability to communicate with guidos

kinda like cyclops: the ability to shoot party streamers from your eyes. "it's always a party when you blink"

the ability to always have entrance music playing when u walk out of an elevator

the ability to lift objects a tenth of your weight

the ability to only access your super powers through a free beta iphone app

the ability to have that nerdy guy with the glasses and the entire verizon network follow you wherever you go

the ability to laugh at your own jokes when no one else does

the ability to express emotion by projecting emoticons on your face

the ability to finish second in everything

the ability to be smoking hot but only be able to attract douchebags

the ability to get ice cream headaches while eating hot foods!

the ability to READ!

the ability to give birth to sextuplets and make your husband hate you

the ability to be fooled twice, with no shame befalling you

the ability to expend all your creative energy on twitter while getting fired for neglecting your work