And the winner is...

In a startling turn of events, as Shaved-head Cassie went head to spud with a Potato, the two competitors for companionship suddenly combined their powers in the midst of heated combat, combining to form a super-mega-awesome-mecha-happy amalgam of themselves: Shaved Potato-Head Masshie!! Excelsior!!!

In the beginning of the match, the I-need-Britney-like-attention-since-I-have-no-career-so-I-shaved-my-head-but-just-halfway-cuz-I-lost-the-nerve-and-realized-I'm-not-white-trash pop singer was neck and neck with her starchy adversary, or neck and potato rather. They traded blows for hours while exchanging excessive trash talk..."Hey small fry, Idaho fucking sucks!" "Hey Cassie, even I'm more famous than you! You can't even get a cameo on the Surreal Life!"

But after the 11th hour of altercation and unnice words, the impossible happened. As Cassie thrust a peeler at Potato while Potato sat there like a sack of potatoes, a glowing green aura emanated from this unlikely pair and lit up the sky in a blinding flash!!! "When your powers combine, I am SHAVED POTATO-HEAD MASSHIE!" It was beautiful. More beautiful than a single snowflake falling adrift on a baby's button nose. More beautiful than the whale songs of a lovelorn humpback. More beautiful than when Hot Rod unleashed the Matrix of Leadership to light their darkest hour...

And there she stood. 12 stories high, packed with empty carbs and multi-racial hotness. The mere sight of her caused many to faint, while a few others, who just couldn't even fathom such a perfect concoction, had their heads explode while trying to grasp the situation. It was glorious. Now all we need is Jessica Alba to combine with a cheeseburger (preferably animal style).

First Round Winner: Shaved Potato-Head Masshie
Hot Potato - 1, Anticlimactic ending - 0

Who should I date???

Here we are again in Round 1, Match-up #6 between two possible mate matches. This week's Cuddle-buddy Contenders are equally strong and show no signs of easy victory (however, their easiness is another question). This one's a veritable tossup folks! The decision lies with you, dear reader...Who should I date?

Shaved-head Cassie
Why I like her: I saw her rolling with Diddy (they were in giant spherical hamster cages a la American Gladiators) at the MJ vs. Prince party (Prince won with an assless-chaps fatality) last Saturday. This tells me two things. One, she clearly has impeccable taste in dance parties/music, and Two, she has very low standards for male companions. Enter: Boogie Brown, the epitome of low standards. I am the limbo champion when it comes to backbending beneath the yardstick of decency. A perfect match I say. Who could pass up a beautiful woman that likes to slum it? It's like putting Kobe beef into a hot pocket...irresistable.

And you may deduct points from her datability score because of her bold (read: sociopathic) half-Sinead hairdo, but think again. It actually magnifies her attractiveness. It's like she's saying to the world "oh yes, even post-op lobotomy patients have the right to look like music video vixens. Even though they're missing some gray matter, they can still be trashy human beings like everyone else!" I'm all down for a righteous woman with such moral compass and conviction. A half-bald beauty with a half-heart of gold...le sigh...

OR

a Potato
Why I like her: You can boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew. A potato really goes with everything. She's the type AB of the vegetable world. And wouldn't you know it, I'm the type O of the dating world. If that's not star-crossed, I dunno what is. From french fries, waffle fries, tater tots, baked potatoes, potatoes au gratin, hash browns, kettle cooked chips, so on and so forth, something tells me this is one companion that I might never tire of 'cuz she's always finding ways to reinvent herself. Plus she fits in my pocket.

And she has beautiful eyes...many, many beautiful eyes.

So cast your votes peoples for who should advance to the next round of dating dilemmas. But please, keep the crass jokes about Potato-head to yourselves.