Fun with Online Communication Questions of the Day

Does Will Smith run a secret wordpress where he writes entries as "I Am The Legend of Blogger Vance"?

Does Parker Brothers run a live journal about board games under the name "Bloggle"?

Does Oscar-winning director of Crouching Tiger and Brokeback Mountain post online about how he's a fuckup in life as "xAnga Lee"?

Does the wife a former Democratic Vice President tweet constant status updates about the environment as "Twipper Gore"?

Can I instant message the rehab reject, black-soul imitating singer "AIMeeWinehouse" and tell her to lay off the smack?

Is America's Best Dance Crew as articulate with their words as they are with their bodies when they live journal as the "Jabbabloggeez"?

Can I find the twitter page of London white-boy rapper under the name "The STweets"?

Does the baddest badass in history Chuck Norris send SMS messages as "Walker Textas Ranger"? The only text you will ever get from Chuck Norris is 'Look behind you.' This is also the last text you will ever get.

Can I friend the dejected Giants wide receiver "Plaxo-co Burress" over an online social networking site and remind him to keep the safety on?

Does the pope only follow one person on Twitter because he believes in "monotweetism"? However, that's a concept I still don't understand because the 'one' person is really three people updating. He says that I just need to have faith in the "Holy Tweetnity."

Instant Message Thought of the Moment

I just realized that a lot of common expressions used to connote laughter in the world of instant messaging completely change meaning when divided in half. For example, if you say ‘haha,’ it means you’re pleasantly amused and acknowledging the humor of the current conversation. But if you say ‘ha,’ you’ve suddenly become sarcastic and you’re pretty much saying ‘you fucking idiot…only thing funny bout u is your FACE!’ Fascinating!

But then, if you double the ‘haha’ and use ‘hahahaha,’ you’re genuinely laughing and saying to your IM recipient ‘holy shit, dawg, u just made me piss my pants worse than grandpa with a Big Gulp.’ Astonishing!

If you’re the more anime cutesy type, u probably use ‘hehe.’ ‘Hehe’ usually means ‘I close my eyes and cover my face with a fan while giggling.’ But cut that in half and instead you get the masculine subject pronoun ‘He.’ Suddenly it’s manly. Mind-boggling!

Now let’s say you’re a cartoon mouse or cuddly forest creature with big glassy, baby eyes and wireless internet access, you probably eek out a ‘teehee,’ meaning ‘this is what a squeaky giggle sounds like.’ But when divided, now you get ‘tee’ and the cuddly cartoon animal is swinging a golf club while bulldozers tear down the forest to make way for the other 17 holes. Intriguing!

But if you’re some sort of masked villain talking to a captured nemesis (via the internet), you probably use ‘mwahaha’ to display your sociopathic delight after you monologue (not to be confused with travelogue) about your diabolical scheme to take over the planet. However, split that in two and suddenly you went from mocking your captive, to kissing them. Clearly, villainy and affection go hand in hand. Enlightening!

Lastly, if you’re a mime with a modem, all you can type is :) Sever that head in two and you get punctuation. Doctorate-worthy!

[Side note: Do they call 'em colonels cuz they're big assholes?]