In the midst of interpersonal communication, people ask me all the time, either with cautious self-awareness, "Are you gonna blog about this?" or with blind confidence, "You should blog about this." And my inner monologue often responds with the question: "Waitaminute, did I leave the oven on??? Damnit! Nobody likes burnt cookies! NOBODYYY!!!"....Once the voices in my head quiet down, I remember that I am in the middle of a conversation and that the person(s) in front of me have requested that our moment together be launched from reality and into virtual insanity. For some reason, people want to be memorialized this way, that their consciousness be captured in literary eternity, and like a Shakespearean sonnet, live beyond their own mortality. Either that or the fuckers think they're funny enough for The Get Down.So you want me to swallow your conversation cakes and shit out an entry? Is there a lot of cream in those cakes? because I just might. Afterall, I am lactose intolerant and prone to writer's block (it's like a lego stuck in my brain), so who knows, perhaps I will.
To help you on this journey, I'm providing you some surefire tips (Is there such a thing as unsurefire? Like an ambivalent flame?) on getting your ass into my blogosphere (not to be confused with my Blog o' Spheres, my online journal solely about the spherical things in my life--basketballs, tennis balls, semen balls, grapes):Tip # Uno: Scruples? Forget them. Instead, try taking Screw Pills and just let your words fly. If the shit that comes out of your mouth is nastier than what comes out of your ass, you're probably on to something. (Could you imagine a shit literally coming out of your mouth??? hahaha, holy shit that'd be amazing!)
Tip Number Dos: Practice those pop culture references! You make something instantly funnier by the mere mention of Alf from the planet Melmac or Balky Bartakomus from the island of Mepos. Or if you prefer, constantly quote hilarious lines from movies rather than using your own words. Trust me, they're probably a lot funnier than anything you'd possibly come up with. Try starting with Mel Brooks or Will Ferrell. "I'm Tits Mcgee?"Teep Tatlo: Be punny! Be Big Pun (just don't die...of fatness...too soon?). Be mindful of your grammar and use proper PUNctuation. Be a liberal PUNdit. So eQUIP yourself with all the lame PUNchlines you got and don't forget good comedic timing--be PUNctual--and you may find your words Getting Down.
Tip F-F-F-Four! Introduce me to all your single, attractive female friends. (single is optional)
Tip Numerical Cinco: Apply to be an intern at The Get Down.
- Duties include: writing entries and giving me 100% of the credit, Sisyphusian tasks such as rolling a boulder up a hill over and over, looking up the word Sisyphusian and adding the definition by hand to a single square of toilet paper so that my Word of the Day TP includes this obscure term, tickle fights, more tickle fights but with strangers while I watch ominously from afar, transcribing the complete works of Judd Apatow into Aramaic (I always wanted to know what it would sound like if Jesus said, "Nobody's gotten a handjob in cargo shorts since 'Nam.")
- Qualifications: complete obedience and submission to the Boogie
Simply master these 6 things and you immediately increase your chances of making it on to The Get Down from about 0% to 1.2%. Happy blogging!
