And the winner is...

...Eva Mendes, the mildly attractive actress from such Oscar-worthy films as Maid in Manhattan, The Cell, and The Wedding Planner...wait, what? Eva Mendes isn't in any of those movies? Who the hell is Eva Mendes then? Ah well, she's gonna get trounced by the Green M&M in the later rounds anyway. But in this first round matchmaker matchup, she narrowly squeaked by the perennial joke-butt Sarah Palin aka "Soon to be the most cliche Halloween costume of 2008." It seems that female voters really carried Eva across the finish line after having some strong throwup-in-mouth reactions to the competition:

D: ugh

eva mendes duuuuh

me: u dont want me to take one for the team?

D: well, no - because i'm your roommate

and it'd be weird to have her walking around the apt wearing only your dress shirt or something

me: good answer

whatabout only my dress pants
[apparently for D, it would not be weird to have Eva Mendes walking around in only my dress shirt...would it be weird if I were walking around in only Eva's dress shirt?]

L: uhhhhhhh

u made me throwup in my mouth

after that Palin pic

me: its messed up ur hormones

L: the palinator M: i'd go with eva mendez cause she's hot and has a brain

M: screw palin. dumb b***h

me: haha, thanks!

how do u know eva has a brain? M: compared to palin, ALMOST everyone else has one

Most of the male voters on the other hand went for the Alaskan Ice Queen with such comments as these:

M: You should date the Maverick. Maverick Maverick. Maverick!

me: haha

she'll like that i shoot from the hip

M: if she can stand up to big oil, can she stand up to big penis/make big penis stand up? [why does M know about my penis size? big is a very relative term anyway]

Despicable. Females just had different criteria:

B: i vote for eva. i saw her at friend of a farmer one time and shes very pretty in person

and i wanted her coat

[apparently women love friends of farmers...there's just something about tilling soil and planting seeds...]

So Eva advances. But how long can she last in this royal rumble of love? ForEva Eva, forEva Eva??

Who should I date?

Eva Mendes
Why I like her: She’s hot and I’m attracted to hot. She's still a rising star, not yet on the level of JLo or Angelina, so if I get with her now, down the road when we get into arguments I can always pull out the I-supported-your-career-when-you-were-a-nobody card. Dispute settled. And I for one prefer to be on equal footing with my romantic companion...my romanion, if you will. Power dynamics are cancer to a relationship, so it's good that Eva is clearly in my league. She's just a tad bit uglier. I can live with that.

OR

Sarah Palin
Why I like her: If it’s discovered that she’s having an affair with me, that’s just one more scandal to throw on top of her pile o’ screw-ups that is her burning blimp of a campaign. Imagine if polaroids of me in a moose suit licking the stilettos of her dominatrix outfit made it to the front page of the Times. Bye bye McShame. Hello Cougar Hall of Fame. I'd be taking one for the team. Barack, just call me Maverick cuz I'm your wingman.

Top 3 titles for our 'leaked' home-movie sex-tape:
“Cuntry First”
“Palin’s Poopergate Investigation”
“Tina Fey Does It with Asian Guy”