Eurotrippin: the morning after

After the two-week baguette binge that was my European vacation, I found myself abruptly awoken by the noonday sun, alone on the floor of my New York apartment, half-naked, dehydrated, and confuddlizzledingly asking myself "What the hell happened?" I had a migraine of memories jammed into my head, and they needed sorting out. After days of nursing myself back to health during this withdrawal period--during which time, I visited ZARA almost everyday whenever I desperately needed a fix of Euro-crack--I've been able to put the pieces back together and make sense of it all...kind of like a Real World reunion episode. Here are my lasting observations from Europa:

Hot women work regular jobs just like in the movies!
Don't you despise Hollywood and it's bastard child the porn industry for deluding us with fantasy worlds where uber-attractive people work everyday jobs? Halle Berry as a poor single mother? C'mon, why doesn't she just go be a supermodel?? (I admit, I stole this last joke from a comedian I don't remember. Joke piracy!) But the truth is that they were really just presenting us the reality in Europe and re-dubbing it for us monolingual idiots into English. I came across so many 7s, 8s, and even 9s on the hot-o-meter sitting behind kiosk counters, clicking tickets on trains, and even intimidating city denizens as tough cops on the street.

In Paris, we tried to take our picture with a couple of female police officers. When the foxxy police officer unfurled her throaty, accented voice and told us photographs with them were "forbidden," I not only jizzed my pants but the pants of every 2-legged homo-erectus in a 30 foot radius. Europe gives hope to super-hot people everywhere, essentially telling them, "You shall not be pigeon-holed. You too can be just as mediocre as everyone else if you want to."

Go to Europe, get tongue-bathed!
Where were Americans when brains were handed out? Probably busy quibbling over which Yale alum they'd rather have a beer with or coming up with ways to imprison people for pant-sagging. In the meantime, Europeans got their learn on! The average person over there speaks a minimum of 10 languages including English, American slang, and the universal language of looooove (Virginia, you got nothing on Europe). Even 7 year old German kids stopped to ask us in perfect English if we needed help navigating the Munich subway system. (This was after they tried asking us in perfect Chinese, Vietnamese, and the Micronesian language of Kiribati.) Train conductors repeated everything in at least 3 languages. Could you imagine if conductors in the U.S. were required to have such linguistic abilities? Amtrak would have more success employing parakeets than Americans.

And biggups and respect to all the immigrants over there. They are truly the most cunning linguists. In the U.S. they'd usually only have to learn English. In Europe, they have to be fluent in like 20 other languages on top of English. They're practically the Rosetta Stones of the continent and were able to learn it all without the help of MUZZY.

Chillin' is the most successful franchise
Forget Big Macs, Quarterpounders with cheese, 20 piece nuggets, Whoppers, Croissanwhiches, Frosty's, Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers, Gordita Burritos, Taco Supremes, Orange Mocha Frappaccinos, Stuffed Crust Pan Pizzas, Chicken and Mashed Potato Bowls, 10 Patties 10 Buns Animal Style, or any other glorified hot pocket that's cooked in a dirty microwave and gushing with cheese, cholesterol, and more hormones than me as a teenager (or me as a 25 year old for that matter). Mass produced for the masses and massively consumed to make us massive, fast food is the fascist franchise in America. Find one on every block in your neighborhood and follow the trail to your every artery.

And yet, in Europe, the only thing that comes fast are their trains (none of this languishing on a musty platform waiting for 30 minutes for a train that they forgot to tell you isn't even operating). Sure, the golden arches may have a presence (I'm talking McDonald's, not McDougal's), but the real franchise king is a refrigerator 'cuz everyone over there is straight chillin! (WORDPLAY!) They have as many chill spots (which ironically are wi-fi hotspots) as we have fast food chains. Whether it's sipping a cafe at a corner bistro for 8 hours, or guzzling a litre of bier in a garden for 10, or just breathing at an Amsterdam coffeeshop for what felt like 10 minutes but was really the entire day, Europeans know how to relax and just kick it.

We live in a society where America runs on Dunkin Donuts coffee (note that neither Dunkin nor Donut is spelled correctly, d'oh!), while they live in a society where governments mandate vacation time and direct deposit you holiday funds for holiday funnnn. Why wasn't that in the stimulus package? "Dear POTUS B-HO, I've been a good boy all year. Please send me Caribbean cruise cash, or Bahamas beach bucks. I wanna be chillin like a villain god-willin. Sasha and Malia got a puppy, I want a vacation. Peace, BB"