Dating Dues and Donuts

Have you ever wondered what you should and should not do on a first date? If you answered yes, then I feel sorry for you. But rest assured, POTUS B-HO has come to save the day..t. When he's not busy bringing peace to the entire world, he gets his administration to issue Dating Do's and Don'ts via this government-sanctioned site: http://twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/dating-dos-and-donts/index.aspx.

I think B-HO should issue similar guides on other everyperson preoccupations like "What to do when you're in a public bathroom and realize your stall is out of toilet paper" or "Magic tricks on a job interview? Tada! or Nah-uh!"

Here is the Obama administration's list of Dating Do's and Don'ts for successful heteronormative, gender-conforming relationships:

Dues:
Take precautions and keep yourself safe. Wear elbow pads, knee pads, bicycle helmet, chin strap, mouth guard, jock strap, shin guards, mythril under armor, armor, chest plate, dinner plate, finger condoms, tanooki suit, and ride in the pope-mobile. That thing is virtually indestructible and can probably destroy demons and vampires should you happen upon any during the course of your date.

Be attentive. Focus very carefully on your date's cleavage or the spinach stuck between their teeth.

Be courteous. Always curtsy after your date says something. "Nice to meet you." Curtsy. "Why are you curtsying?" Curtsy. "Stop doing that weirdo." Curtsy. "I'm gonna kill Mona for making me go on this blind date!" Curtsy..

Remember to have fun! Bring a slip-n-slide. 60% of the time those things are fun everytime.

Follow Up. If you want to see the person again, wait for them by their place of work and follow them home. Then peer into their window while they change into house clothes and watch them prepare dinner. Is that paella you smell? Yes, yes it is. Excuse me, I mean, Si, si esa es.

Donuts:
Don’t be late! But just in case you are, wind all the clocks at the restaurant back an hour right before meeting up with your date. Then convince them that they're extremely early and must've forgotten about daylight savings. If you are late for more than an hour, wind all the clocks back for even more time and convince your date that they must be from the future! Great Scott!!

Don’t discuss emotional or controversial topics. Try not to bring up that time you cried in front of thousands of people after a five year-old made fun of your argyle socks at an anti-abortion rally. Instead, talk about safe, mundane things like the word plug and how weird it sounds when you say it over and over a hundred and three times. Or talk about every digit of the number pi. You'll never run out of conversation that way.

Don’t come on too strong. Try not to lift ridiculously heavy objects like city buses or baby elephants in front of your date so as not to intimidate them with your freakish mutant abilities. However, if your date becomes compromised by an attack from an army of giant wasps from another dimension, use full force to kick some thorax butt.

Don’t hide who you really are. I'm looking at you Clark Kent. Also, don't hide, you know, like behind the bushes or beneath a table or camouflaged as a brick wall. Though there exists sweatpants hot and sick-in-bed hot, there's really no such thing as creepy hot.

Don’t get too physical, too soon. In fact, don't even move a single muscle the entire date. Simply stare the whole time. Just channel Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's. He clearly had a good time AND got a sequel. It'll work for you too.

If this dating guide helped you in any way, I again continue to feel sorry for you.