The Hand-ler

Today on my morning commute, I nestled my buns in between two seated passengers on the train. While hunched over with my head down, the man to my left caught my gaze with his peculiar actions. He sat there with his arms rested on his lap, and continuously wafted each of his hands with methodical consistency. And when I say wafted, I mean the same way one might discreetly waft away the gaseous cloud of stank after a public display of fartulence. He would extend his left hand forward, palm turned inward, and waft it with the right hand for three times. Then, he would extend the right hand forward, palm turned inward, and waft it three times with the left. He performed this absurd act over and over for at least four stops. Was it some kind of ritual? Was he blessing his hands? Or cursing the attractive male to his right in a fit of jealous rage? Or maybe he was trying to cool down his palms after handling hot coals? [Tangent: When Santa Claus leaves naughty little boys and girls coal in their stockings, is the coal lit?? That's just cruel Santa. Way to burn down the house.]

It actually reminded me of this one time in high school when we caught the Latin teacher (not to be confused with the Latina teacher, Profesora Gomez) at his desk doing what only can be best described as seated tai chi with the intent to kill. Whatever the guy next to me was doing, I prayed to Jesus (my Chicano friend, not the son of God) that he did not have the intent to kill.

In any case, he was clearly focused on his hand routine. He breathed heavily and in rhythm with his actions as he did it, kind of like lamaze class (uhh, not that I've ever been...). Maybe he was about to give birth I thought. Then suddenly, he sped up the wafting. Instead of three wafts per hand, he went down to two wafts each, and then to one each. My head was spinning watching his hands go faster and faster and faster and then....the train screeched to a halt. He stood calmly and deboarded. "What the hell just happened?"

As soon as he left, I did a seat slide-over. Now, directly seated in front of the window across the way, I could see my reflection. My head had shrunken to the size of a kiwi.