the mess You're In!

Pouring your own urine into a small vial is like handling liquid uranium. It's the most delicate, high pressure task you've ever taken on. This is not pouring out a foamless glass of Sam Adams or funneling new shampoo into your roommate's bottle of Head & Shoulders so he won't know you wasted all of his while washing your secret teddy bear collection. No, this is hot piss you're handling. Your own hot piss. Not only is it infinitely nasty, but you still feel beholden to care for it gently, like an ugly baby you never wanted.

It's an intense procedure that makes your heart stop with every passing second. It's like defusing a bomb for the FBI. One false move is all it takes…You grip the plastic vial in your left hand, tilting it precisely at 45 degrees. You nervously hold the warm paper cup in your other hand, a few centimeters above the vial, and begin to tilt it ever so slightly...oh no, you have an itch on your nose that you can't scratch!...

And don't even get me started on how that cup came to be filled. The terror in my eyes rose exponentially as the liquid rose in the cup, quickly rising to the top, and then, inevitably, menacingly, spilling over. Audible screams from a bathroom are never a sign of anything good.

"Oh shit!"

But the fear is ironically irrational. It's not like you haven't touched your own urine before, as if the splashback from the urinal never graze your hands, or as if you've never been wildly drunk on New Year's Eve in Steve's basement pissing all over yourself because you momentarily forgot how fly zippers worked.

I watch closely as the volatile waste slides down the barrel of the tube like liquid gold. As soon as the vial fills, I cap it off like catching fireflies in a jar. I flush the leftovers, and then ring my shirt from all the sweat. More liquid waste. Then I exit the bathroom like a pro, calm and collected, and hand over the vial to the lab tech, passing the baton with more care than the US Relay Teams. Mission accomplished. Now time to have blood drawn...::faints::