An open letter to my dearest-est sister Bridget Christina aka Bridget the Midget aka Apple Boobs aka [in dad’s voice] Brigeeeeeettte!!! aka “that girl

Dear Bridget,

Do you remember when we were kids and you permanently chipped my tooth by horse-kicking me in the jaw? We were in the midst of one of our epic fights, this time fighting for the last slice of pizza. Till this day, dentists never fail to ask me about it during checkups, after which I always have to explain that I got it from fighting with my sister. The dentist then quickly responds “So I take it she won?” Ha friggin ha Dr. Stone. Whereas a more immature brother might be vengeful for this eternal source of humiliation, I cannot. For me it’s a humble reminder of the torment that my siblings and I made you endure. I used to start fights with you everyday of the week and twice on Sundays. Remember that time Barbs poured soy sauce down your winter gloves? Or when we hid the teddy bear Phi gave you and you broke down searching for it? We put you through hell and yet you’re still the most affectionate, the most happy go lucky, and perhaps the most loving of us all. Though sometimes you’ve had to horse-kick your way out of bad situations, you still persevere in giving yourself to the people you love. Keyword: Perseverance.

Do you remember at the rehearsal dinner when barbs joked that you dress poorly? It’s true, Beej, you dress really poorly. Seriously, you dress a shade worse than Hilda, the bag lady at the 116th street subway station. Even she knows that gaucho pants are out of style. You have about as much fashion sense as a chimpanzee on rollerskates. I’m actually surprised you haven’t put on a hoodie over your wedding dress yet. But where some may see this as a deficiency, I see this as a testament to your true character. You really could care less about fashion because you know these material things are inconsequential in the grand scheme of life. Where others may focus on status and fitting in, you’ve focused your life on disseminating care and love to the people around you. You’ve always been the mother hen to your motley crue of misunderstood friends and family. And in that department, the chimpanzee’s got nothing on you. Keywords: Love and Care.

Do you remember, as a teenager, when you poured motor oil in the tank meant for windshield wiper fluid? Dad was piiiissssssed!!! Some might consider this an example of your carelessness. Some might cite other examples to further support such an argument. They might say things like , hey Bridget your room is so messy that even rats refuse to live there. They might go on to describe how you spend more time on the toilet than the average person spends sleeping. But hey, it’s not because you’re careless, nor is it because you have chronic diarrhea. It’s because you’re a dreamer, an unrelenting romantic, who’s oblivious to the mundane and trivial details of everyday life and would rather spend her time daydreaming or in the bathroom with a good book. Keyword: Romantic.

Do you remember when we were 4 and 6 years old and we used to hide under our parent’s bedsheets and pretend that we were trapped inside an egg?? Yeah, that shit was weird. Till this day I have no idea what that was about. Were we sniffing Elmer’s glue? Anyway, this anecdote has no relevance to your wedding but I just felt like sharing it. Keyword: Random.

Do you remember how I first learned of your relationship with Phi? You were 19, away at Vanderbilt, and you called home and told me you needed to ask mom and dad for permission to fly to Texas. “Texas?” I asked. You told me you’d met a boy the weekend before and you had to go visit him ASAP to see if you could make it work. After laughing for about 5 minutes, I told you not to ask the parents, but that you should just go. Yet you insisted that you speak to them and obtain their permission. Not only did this situation illustrate your filial piety as a dutiful daughter, but it also exemplified how even 10 years ago, you knew that there was something special about your relationship with this guy named Phi, that all your romantic dreams were not merely dreams, but a real goal that you needed to strive for, take bold steps for. And you continued to take those bold steps, persevering through the distance that kept you two physically separated for years. You put your heart and soul into this relationship as you literally moved across the country, from NJ to LA, from LA to Dallas, so you two could finally be together.

Do you remember when Phi called me up to ask for my blessing before proposing to you? Umm yeah, you probably don’t remember that. After avoiding his first five attempts to call and ask me (as I knew it would be an awkward turtle situation), he got me on the phone and told me he wanted to marry you. I asked, “are you sure?” And without any hesitation whatsoever he said “Brian, I’m 100% sure. She’s the one for me.” As a good brother I had to press him a little more and give him a hard time so I questioned him again: “She’s made huge sacrifices for you. Will you sacrifice for her?”

“Absolutely,” Phi said. “I’ll do whatever she asks, anything to make her happy.”

He passed the test. I’ve been brotherless for the last 26 years. I think of myself as a one man wolfpack. But then Phi came into my life, and my wolfpack grew by one. Now there’s two of us in the wolfpack...I digress...

A recent scientific study shows that having a sister leads to a life with less depression and more pro-social behaviors and generosity. That being said, having a sister like you, one that has showed me what it means to persevere and give love unconditionally in pursuit of our highest ideals, is worth even more. I could never fully compensate you for vastly improving my life. It is for this reason that I am eternally grateful to Phi and forever in his debt. He makes you the happiest you've ever been, makes your dreams reality, and that’s all I could possibly want for you, my dear sister. You’ve earned it.

Happy Wedding and Merry Marriage! May you two continue to grow together like a pair of intertwining trees, weathering every storm as you reach for the sky.

Sincerely,
your favorite brother Brian