And the winner is...

Dear World,

I regret to inform you that a tiny but very bright, shining light went out forever yesterday. At approximately 11:18 in the evening, Gadget, the brilliant and beautiful fast-talking, wrench-wielding cartoon mouse of Rescue Ranger fame, died suddenly and unexpectedly.

After mounting an impressive unanimous victory in The Get Down's lovefest contest "Who should I date?", Gadget left her tree domicile in a hollowed out toothpaste tube with wings and flew to Central Park to claim her first round prize, a nuzzle with me. She landed softly on on the west end of Sheep's Meadow, deboarded her vessel, and began to run towards me across the grass. I was dazzled by how refined and graceful she was, running on two hind legs rather than on fours, with her lustrous hair ebbing and flowing in the night wind. As she scurried through the field, time began to slow as if all the clocks in the world were taking a break.

In the corner of my eye, a black and white animated furball appeared out of nowhere and pounced on top of Gadget. I rushed to stop this feline attacker, but it was too late. She had already been swallowed whole. Her devourer turned and looked at me with brazen satisfaction as he picked his teeth with a claw. He extracted a pair of goggles from the back of his throat and flung them at my feet. "Suffering succotash sucka!" he yelled idignantly. With those words, he disappeared into the black night.

It was Sylvester, the cat not Stallone, that did this foul deed of eating a cartoon mouse. I thought he only had eyes for Tweety, but apparently his palate is not quite that discriminating.

But perhaps a conspiracy is at hand. Another attack in an ongoing war between two rival anthropomorphized and iconic woodland creatures with alliterated names: Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse. Bugs has always been jealous of Mickey's pants-wearing and Mickey, with his high-pitched voice, has always been envious of Bug's freedom to express himself in drag. Perhaps Gadget was another unfortunate casualty in this decades-old feud.


I dream of a day when Disney characters and Warner Bros. characters can sit down together at the table of brothersisterhood. I dream of a day when Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, and Daffy Duck can realize that they are related ducks and then fly away together in V-formation. I dream of a day when Speedy Gonzalez can visit the Mexico pavilion at Epcot Center and when Darkwing Duck can ride the Batman coaster at Six Flags.

Let us not allow Gadget's demise be for nothing. The best way we can memorialize her is to end the violence, end the needless suffering, and end this war. Just as she brought together old junk to form spectacular crime-stopping creations, so should we bring talking animals together to form spectacular knee-slapping collaborations.

Gadget is survived by a fat cheese-loving mouse and a pair of quarreling twin chipmunks.

Sincerely,
Boogie Brown

P.S. Because of Gadget's untimely swallowing, The Girlfriend Lap Pillow will proceed to the second round of the "Who should I date?" competition. In the meantime, I shall nestle my cheek in the grooves of her thigh cleavage and lubricate them with my mourning tears.

Who should I date? Part 7 (minutes in heaven or some other shoe-closet equivalent)

Ah, here we are again, faced again with the eternal question: Who should I date? (or for you snobbish grammaristas out there, Whom should I date? Definitely not you.) This is the seventh installment of our first-round matchups for matchmaking. Unlike past competitions for coupling which there were many a ridiculous competitor (16th seeds if you will), this round features two very serious candidates who will need every single vote to make it to the next round. It's do or date time! Let's get it on! So, dear reader, who should I date??

Gadget
Why I like her: I've watched this petite hottie of an inventor/grease-mouse for some years, since around the age of 6 to be exact. After all this time, I've come to the cumclusion that this wrench-wench is the only blonde I'm interested in sharing my nuts and bolt with (Scarlett Johansson, you've officially been demoted!). Not only is her butt-length hair way hot, but she's got the smarts to match. That's like combining MIT with U of Miami. Who else could create an all-terrain vehicle out of plungers and rubberbands while rocking an hour-glass figure? McGeyver, consider your number taken. And she handles tools like no other mouse this side of Anaheim, and guess what? There's no bigger tool than yours truly. I'm the Black & Decker all-in-one power drill in the toolshed of life.

Also on the plus side is the fact that the only competition in my way is an overweight mouse with a bad Sean Connery accent more interested in getting it on with a hunk of gouda than with a female, and two chipmunks, one of which wears a Tommy Bahama I'm-an-obnoxious-tourist-in-Hawaii shirt everyday of the year and the other who dresses up as Indiana Jones on the regular, thus demonstrating his unwavering grip on reality. Plus their voices are higher than Mike Tyson's on helium. Not exactly Don Juans in the treehouse. Not to mention, I'm at least 60 times the size of these misguided vermin. Don't get it twisted, size matters and I'm a god among ants in this scenario. (Normally, I'm the needle in a haystack or the shoe-string on a plate of crinkle cuts. FAIL)

Did I mention she's a mouse? Getting some tail takes on whole new meanings with her. Gadget puts the FINE back in redefine. Check her badass self at 7:29 of this clip:



OR

The Girlfriend Lap Pillow
Why I like her: For some reason, when she introduced herself to me one winter evening, her name immediately made me think "girlfriend." I admit I couldn't help but stare at her legs all night, but a person's best attribute always stands out and this was her only attribute. I couldn't resist the urge to lay my head upon her supple legs. It was like resting my head against a cloud or a cotton ball or a woman's thighs. I felt like a babe in me mother's lap. Is that weird? Probably. But The Girlfriend Lap Pillow doesn't judge. She only welcomes. She let me sleep there all night and not once did she complain that she was "losing circulation to her legs" or that I was "snoring so loudly I caused an avalanche in the Swiss Alps" or that I was "sucking my thumb like a little bitch that misses his momma and really needs to cut the cord already because he should be a grown ass man but his infantile ways are starting to make him look more disposable than yesterday's newspaper." But no, she did not utter a single complaint, or a single word for that matter. There was only tender, love, and care in her silence...and in her legs. To top it off, she also comes in a black skirt.

One caveat though, I worry that I may cheat on her with a snuggie.

This race is a dead heat (kind of like a zombie fart), so cast your vote now!

And the winner is...

In a startling turn of events, as Shaved-head Cassie went head to spud with a Potato, the two competitors for companionship suddenly combined their powers in the midst of heated combat, combining to form a super-mega-awesome-mecha-happy amalgam of themselves: Shaved Potato-Head Masshie!! Excelsior!!!

In the beginning of the match, the I-need-Britney-like-attention-since-I-have-no-career-so-I-shaved-my-head-but-just-halfway-cuz-I-lost-the-nerve-and-realized-I'm-not-white-trash pop singer was neck and neck with her starchy adversary, or neck and potato rather. They traded blows for hours while exchanging excessive trash talk..."Hey small fry, Idaho fucking sucks!" "Hey Cassie, even I'm more famous than you! You can't even get a cameo on the Surreal Life!"

But after the 11th hour of altercation and unnice words, the impossible happened. As Cassie thrust a peeler at Potato while Potato sat there like a sack of potatoes, a glowing green aura emanated from this unlikely pair and lit up the sky in a blinding flash!!! "When your powers combine, I am SHAVED POTATO-HEAD MASSHIE!" It was beautiful. More beautiful than a single snowflake falling adrift on a baby's button nose. More beautiful than the whale songs of a lovelorn humpback. More beautiful than when Hot Rod unleashed the Matrix of Leadership to light their darkest hour...

And there she stood. 12 stories high, packed with empty carbs and multi-racial hotness. The mere sight of her caused many to faint, while a few others, who just couldn't even fathom such a perfect concoction, had their heads explode while trying to grasp the situation. It was glorious. Now all we need is Jessica Alba to combine with a cheeseburger (preferably animal style).

First Round Winner: Shaved Potato-Head Masshie
Hot Potato - 1, Anticlimactic ending - 0

Who should I date???

Here we are again in Round 1, Match-up #6 between two possible mate matches. This week's Cuddle-buddy Contenders are equally strong and show no signs of easy victory (however, their easiness is another question). This one's a veritable tossup folks! The decision lies with you, dear reader...Who should I date?

Shaved-head Cassie
Why I like her: I saw her rolling with Diddy (they were in giant spherical hamster cages a la American Gladiators) at the MJ vs. Prince party (Prince won with an assless-chaps fatality) last Saturday. This tells me two things. One, she clearly has impeccable taste in dance parties/music, and Two, she has very low standards for male companions. Enter: Boogie Brown, the epitome of low standards. I am the limbo champion when it comes to backbending beneath the yardstick of decency. A perfect match I say. Who could pass up a beautiful woman that likes to slum it? It's like putting Kobe beef into a hot pocket...irresistable.

And you may deduct points from her datability score because of her bold (read: sociopathic) half-Sinead hairdo, but think again. It actually magnifies her attractiveness. It's like she's saying to the world "oh yes, even post-op lobotomy patients have the right to look like music video vixens. Even though they're missing some gray matter, they can still be trashy human beings like everyone else!" I'm all down for a righteous woman with such moral compass and conviction. A half-bald beauty with a half-heart of gold...le sigh...

OR

a Potato
Why I like her: You can boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew. A potato really goes with everything. She's the type AB of the vegetable world. And wouldn't you know it, I'm the type O of the dating world. If that's not star-crossed, I dunno what is. From french fries, waffle fries, tater tots, baked potatoes, potatoes au gratin, hash browns, kettle cooked chips, so on and so forth, something tells me this is one companion that I might never tire of 'cuz she's always finding ways to reinvent herself. Plus she fits in my pocket.

And she has beautiful eyes...many, many beautiful eyes.

So cast your votes peoples for who should advance to the next round of dating dilemmas. But please, keep the crass jokes about Potato-head to yourselves.

And the winner is...

It's a historic victory today as we have the first hands down, unanimous decision in the "Who Should I Date?" love connection competition. The people have spoken, and they agree: they really don't give a crap about their ex-girlfriends. In fact, some are straight up vindictive and seem to subscribe to the belief that dating me would be just punishment for their former lovers. I don't see how that line of reasoning makes any sense considering that I am the world's greatest lover since Ma-Ti of the Planeteers..."HEART!"....on second thought, most of his "heart" went to an adorable monkey Kukuphat in a not-so-beastiality way whatsoever....Whatever, my statement still stands.



But anyway, the people seem to think better their ex than their current. So be it. As long you don't suddenly get jealous by your ex's newfound adoration for me, my wordsmithing, and my uncanny ability to make even the most mundane moments awkward ("oh my, Ex-gf's mom, you have a great handshake. I bet that grip is how you found your husband"), then it's all good in the hood.

So congrats to the reviled ex for being our first unanimous victor in this vaginous competition. She's luckier than you think. And I probably won't "rip her a new one" as requested by one jaded voter, but I will B my L all over her T's. (translation: B=Broil; L=Lemon-marinated pork; T's=Thermal insulated state-of-the-art ovens...She's got a great kitchen.)

====
In a post-game interview, your current girlfriend expressed no sense of deflation over the matter.

Who should I date? #5!

It's March Madness folks, but the madness is just continuing here at The Get Down. Bracketology doesn't only pertain to basketball; it's also about the competition for companionship. We have 64 women competing head-to-head in a do-or-die tournament for the ultimate prize: my everlasting affection (and by everlasting, I mean about 3 weeks worth). We've already witnessed a few upsets, some cinderellas, and monumental beatings as several competitors have advanced to the second round including the Green M&M, Eva Mendes, Wonder Woman, and the Lucky Golden Money Cat Found in Chinese Restaurants. And here we are again, in the midst of yet another heated first round matchup (as opposed to ketchup). As usual, the readers decide their fate. So, who will it be folks? Who should I date??

Your Ex-Girlfriend
Why I like her: She really despises you for breaking up with her via a post-it note, and your current happiness is burning her inside, not to mention that that chlamydia you gave her is burning her outsides. She wants nothing more than revenge by emotionally cracking you open with an emotional sledge hammer. So what better way to get her last laugh than to have a fling with your best friend...Me! There's not a thing she wouldn't do with me just to get back at you. I could take her to Comic Con, a 3D animated movie, a Magic: The Gathering tournament. There's nothing she wouldn't do...Not to mention, that while you two dated, I secretly longed for her. That's a weird saying, "longing" for someone. It's not like she made me get taller. Then again, maybe only a certain part of me got taller, HEYYOOOO!!! And no worries about the chlamydia. I already have it from borrowing your towel.

OR

Your Current Girlfriend
Why I like her: I've witnessed how happy she makes you, and I want in. It's not everyday I come across a woman like her. She's teeming with a quiet confidence that lets you know everything's gonna be ok. She's always there for you in your times of need but never crowds your personal space. She's gentle to the touch but firm enough to support you. And she really goes with the flow. You can take her anywhere, on business trips, on vacations. It doesn't matter because there's no stress with her, only relief and release. And she's the first airhead that I could really appreciate. It's not fair that you keep her entirely to yourself, locked away in the false bottom of your closet. How could you be so inhumane? She mustn't be hidden away. Someone like her could make the whole world a happier place. One look at her, and you just gotta smile.

And the winner is...

(sung to the tune of Smelly Cat by Phoebe Buffay)

Moneycaaat
Mooooneycat
what are they feeeding you?
luckycaaat
luckyycat
it's not your faaault




sexy. sassy. sad. gold.

What can I say folks? We're in a recession. I need a lover that brings me luck and money, not one that I have to spend money on.

Stay tuned for the next round of 'Who Should I Date?' where we match up your ex-girlfriend against your current girlfriend.

Who should I date? Part Fwhore!

(the whore of course being me, not any of the contestants...except for maybe the Green M&M. Word on the street is that that green shell ain't hard to crack.)

After months of hiatus, during which time competitors in this contest for commingling are thoroughly tested for contagious diseases such as Emptyheadedness, Self-Absorption, and Gonorrhea (curiously called 'The Clap'...when you catch it, does a mischievous gnome come out and applaud?), the first round of match-ups will now continue with our fwhoreth competition between two of the most talked about contestants. As always, it's up to YOU to decide the outcome...Who should I date? and bestow all my tender goodness to. (oooh, ending a sentence with a preposition! I'm such a rebel!)

Who should I date?

Catwoman
Why I like her: First, let's be clear here. I'm not talking about the real Catwoman. I'm delusional but not completely unrealistic. Selina Kyle is clearly out of my league, her whip truly frightens me, and let's face it, Bats got it on lock. And usually a goalie would never stop me, but Christian Bale in the cape and cowl dropping F-bombs in my face is a real deterrent. I don't want him to call me unprofessional.

And I'm also not talking about the strange 60-year-old woman with more cats than relatives that lives next door. She's the cat-lady. And smells like gouda.

I'm talking about the Catwoman imposter to the right. I actually met her at the circle jerk known as Comic Con. Let's add this up: attractive female + loves comics + @ comic con + in a leather catsuit + not afraid to be nerdterviewed by Boogie Brown and Demken = viable partner in love. If there is a better woman out there, please stand up...and try on the catsuit.

I can see it now, her dressed as Catwoman, me dressed as Darkwing Duck, in the cramped aisles at Forbidden Planet, and we both reach for the last copy of Astonishing X-Men #25. She claws my face, I spit in her eye, we tussle on the floor for a while until we lock eyes and realize...that this is what it sounds like when doves cry. I wonder if she has a light saber...

OR

The waving golden cat at every Chinese food spot you ever been to
Why I like her: For some reason, I gaze into this kitty's eyes and I feel lucky. If that's not a reason to be with someone, then I don't know what is. And she's always there for me, I know just where to find her--any countertop opposite dead ducks hanging in the window. She really welcomes everyone too. No matter your race, gender, or class, she will wave to you hello and wave to you good-bye because that's what a beautiful, open feline she is. I think I need that in my life. She's also great to go to rap concerts with; she just can't help but "fan the flames."

And last but not least, I can see myself reflected in her. She really allows me to see myself. I never knew I was so golden!

And the winner is...

In two impressive lop-sided victories this weekend, Manny Pacquiao pummeled the aged Oscar De La Hoya (aged as in moldy cheese, not aged as in fine wine) and the superheroine (not to be confused with super heroin, that shit make you crazy) Wonder Woman had her way with Your Mom.

A faster, more powerful, and even heavier Pacquiao proved on Saturday night that poor people from the Philippines are not to be messed with, no matter how funny their heavily accented English is. "Umm, I um wurried because I um nut rilly wurried..." He embarrassed De La Hoya by landing a barage of power punches so easily that he was simultaneously enjoying a strawberry Jamba Juice and walking his dog Aso.

In parallel occurrences, this past week's showdown for my affection ended in a landslide win for Wonder Woman who made Your Mom lick the bottom of her red leather boots. It was a surprising and embarrassing upset for Your Mom, who led with Las Vegas bookies by 2 to 1 and had the clear advantage in the child-bearing-hips department. However, voters were clearly turned off by the prospect of me dating Your Mom (or worse, becoming Your Dad) and were more enticed by the prospect of me getting Invisible Jet-head, as Double W received all votes minus 2 write-ins (for Jessica Alba even though I'm clearly out of her league, and for a unicorn whose single ribbed horn frightens me).

Wonder Woman advances to the next round, and Your Mom remains lonely...Until next time, I'm Boogie Brown and this is my imagination.

Who should I date?

Part 3 of the 32-part 1st round matchups of dating competition...Who should I choose to bestow my massive load of amorous glory? We have a fierce a competition of bitter rivals this week. So dear reader, who should I date? Or in a more grammatically-sensitive matter, whom should I date?

Wonder Woman
Why I like her: Forget all the hullabaloo about her lustrous black hair, her flawless physique, and her always-ready-for-halloween slutty superhero outfit. Nevermind that she can crush worlds with her thighs or can engage in many a wild wild west role-play with her Lasso of Truth in tow. I don't even give a damn that she's Amazonian royalty with connections to Supes and the Bat. Forget all that. She's on my list 'cuz she got an invisible jet! You can't get more baller than that!! Imagine us rollin' to the club in a jet...that you can't even see. Baller! Forget bling that blinds you, this ish is so blingity human eyes can't even detect it! Now couple that with my appreciation for alliteration, and you get a winning combo...Wonder Woman winks wisely at wiley wicked witches while walloping their withered wigs and wasting away their wicked ways.











OR

Your Mom
Why I like her: If you're reading this, your mom clearly has quality taste that she has passed on to you. She also has a lot of conviction, strength of character, and perseverence as she exhibited by not aborting you. Or perhaps she's just pro-life. And that's ok for this liberal, 'cuz I am pro-cougar.

Seriously though, every kid needs a father. Dating your mother would bring me one step closer to filling that void in your life. First, I'll be that casual gentleman caller that comes over for dinner. You begrudgingly eat with us but I win you over with lavish gifts and helping you with your algebra homework. Then I move into that phase where I spend the night 4 times a week and regularly pick you up from soccer practice. Eventually, you will be the flower girl/ring-bearer at your mother's wedding with me, at which point you forget your biological father and earnestly call me Dad for the first time. Everything's gonna be ok, junior. Daddy's here for you.

And the winner is...

...Eva Mendes, the mildly attractive actress from such Oscar-worthy films as Maid in Manhattan, The Cell, and The Wedding Planner...wait, what? Eva Mendes isn't in any of those movies? Who the hell is Eva Mendes then? Ah well, she's gonna get trounced by the Green M&M in the later rounds anyway. But in this first round matchmaker matchup, she narrowly squeaked by the perennial joke-butt Sarah Palin aka "Soon to be the most cliche Halloween costume of 2008." It seems that female voters really carried Eva across the finish line after having some strong throwup-in-mouth reactions to the competition:

D: ugh

eva mendes duuuuh

me: u dont want me to take one for the team?

D: well, no - because i'm your roommate

and it'd be weird to have her walking around the apt wearing only your dress shirt or something

me: good answer

whatabout only my dress pants
[apparently for D, it would not be weird to have Eva Mendes walking around in only my dress shirt...would it be weird if I were walking around in only Eva's dress shirt?]

L: uhhhhhhh

u made me throwup in my mouth

after that Palin pic

me: its messed up ur hormones

L: the palinator M: i'd go with eva mendez cause she's hot and has a brain

M: screw palin. dumb b***h

me: haha, thanks!

how do u know eva has a brain? M: compared to palin, ALMOST everyone else has one

Most of the male voters on the other hand went for the Alaskan Ice Queen with such comments as these:

M: You should date the Maverick. Maverick Maverick. Maverick!

me: haha

she'll like that i shoot from the hip

M: if she can stand up to big oil, can she stand up to big penis/make big penis stand up? [why does M know about my penis size? big is a very relative term anyway]

Despicable. Females just had different criteria:

B: i vote for eva. i saw her at friend of a farmer one time and shes very pretty in person

and i wanted her coat

[apparently women love friends of farmers...there's just something about tilling soil and planting seeds...]

So Eva advances. But how long can she last in this royal rumble of love? ForEva Eva, forEva Eva??

Who should I date?

Eva Mendes
Why I like her: She’s hot and I’m attracted to hot. She's still a rising star, not yet on the level of JLo or Angelina, so if I get with her now, down the road when we get into arguments I can always pull out the I-supported-your-career-when-you-were-a-nobody card. Dispute settled. And I for one prefer to be on equal footing with my romantic companion...my romanion, if you will. Power dynamics are cancer to a relationship, so it's good that Eva is clearly in my league. She's just a tad bit uglier. I can live with that.

OR

Sarah Palin
Why I like her: If it’s discovered that she’s having an affair with me, that’s just one more scandal to throw on top of her pile o’ screw-ups that is her burning blimp of a campaign. Imagine if polaroids of me in a moose suit licking the stilettos of her dominatrix outfit made it to the front page of the Times. Bye bye McShame. Hello Cougar Hall of Fame. I'd be taking one for the team. Barack, just call me Maverick cuz I'm your wingman.

Top 3 titles for our 'leaked' home-movie sex-tape:
“Cuntry First”
“Palin’s Poopergate Investigation”
“Tina Fey Does It with Asian Guy”

And the winner is...

…in a decisive and portentous (SAT word in the house!) first victory, the Green M&M! She devoured Ashley Banks, hit single and all. “Mannn, she’s weak….last week!” Despite support for Ashley on this blog’s droppings section from lawdamercy (who wisely pointed out that Banks is the human option, albeit fictional) and a whisper campaign against the Green M&M about her supposed lactose content (detrimental to this lactard blogger), the chocolate treat with eyes and legs lead the way with aggressive on-the-ground support. The people have spoken. And they say that I need a woman with a tough exterior (ever toss an M&M into the air and try to catch it with your mouth, only for it to crash into your teef like a kamikaze pilot on crack? Shit hurts meng) but also so sweet on the inside that she makes you say “Mm.” She also tastes good with ice cream.

Stay tuned for the next first round face-off for my affection (i.e. dating me for 2.5 months till I realize I’m not ready to be serious)!
--------------------------------------

BREAKING NEWS: It has been discovered that the Green M&M only has 4 fingers on each hand (see campaign photo from previous entry for evidence). I dunno if I can date a woman with only 8 fingers! Which one's her ring finger?? Could she properly greet me at a Star Trek convention or would it just look like she's throwing up the shocker? Aww man.


.

Romantic Possibilities Question of the Day

As an ever-maturing young man, I'm beginning to feel the desire for the sustained companionship of a young woman (give or take half my age + 7). I've carefully considered numerous candidates for whom I can fulfill the role of Boogie Beau. I think the most efficient way to narrow down my choices is to arrange an NCAA Tournament bracket of 64 eligible women and have them face off in pairs. Blog-readers may realize their electoral power by answering a simple question for each round of romance rivalry: Who should I date? Most votes (in the electoral college) wins.

In this first round, of these two candidates for cuddling, who should I date?

Ashley Banks

Why I like her: She can sing and looks hot in a Dippity Doo Dog uniform. Because I know I’m more manly than ex-bf Tevin Campbell. And she’s already dated Rufio at least twice. She’s definitely into the lumpia. (see the movie Fakin’ Da Funk if you don’t believe me) Plus the girl is mad rich and can bankroll my career as a professional man of leisure. “Fill banks like Phil Banks.”

OR

The Green M&M

Why I like her: She’s got great eyes and she’s made of chocolate. Let me repeat that in my best Joe-Biden-repeating-a-point voice: She’s made of chocolate.

And if anyone ever accused me of being racist, I could just tell them “Hey, I’m not racist. My girlfriend’s green…and made of chocolate.”