A silent but expressive epidemic

Have you checked yourself lately for gesticular cancer?

• Do wine glasses often fall victim to your descriptive hand motions over rousing dinner conversation?
• Do you talk as if you're conducting the New York Philharmonic?
• Do you find yourself grabbing words in mid-air as they're released from your mouth?
• Have you ever poked an eye out while simply asking for the check?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you might be at serious risk for gesticular cancer. Consider trying the following treatments to address this egregious affliction:

• The warmer your hands, the better. Keep them close and intimate to the interiors of your pockets, the underside of your thighs while sitting, or the snug crevasses of your underarms.

• Technology is your friend. Tape record your insightful, witty, and informed comments before attending social gatherings. Bring a lightweight tape player with you and play your pre-recorded thoughts, while you keep your hands and mouth busy by overdoing it on the cheese and crackers.

• Board games are the enemy. Playing certain board games can only catalyze gesticular cancer to rapidly spread. Refrain from participating in any and all of the following lethal leisure activities: Charades, Guesstures, Cranium (and its variations), Pictionary, Taboo, Balderdash, and $10,000 Pyramid. Stick to games like Solitaire instead. Corollary: No more watching Yo! MTV Raps.

• Poison Sumac. Bathe in it. Before you know it, your body will be blanketed in rashes so big you'd think your name was Job (from the Book of). Such maximized itching can only result in incessant scratching, ultimately keeping your hands preoccupied and your body unfit for social contact.

Gesticular cancer is no joke. Don't take risks with your health. Get tested. Your gesticles are counting on it.