Movin' on Up

After years of living out my fantasy life as a refugee, I've decided to graduate to a better living by paying more for a nicer apartment because let's face it, I'm worth it (maybe it's Maybelline!). But in order to afford the pricier habitat, other parts of my life will require serious changes. For example, in addition to my regular 9-5 job, Imma hafta get my hustle on and slang some rock, kiiiiiiiid! I also plan on auctioning off my virginity on ebay. How much do you think I can get for the greatest 3 seconds of my life? Stealing toilet paper from the office will also be necessary. I plan to smuggle it out in my pant leg kind of like Tim Robbins in Shawshank. Maybe I can get Red to help in exchange for a carton of Newports.

My social life will see drastic changes. No more buying drinks for the ladies. Instead I'll get them ice chips and spin em around 15 times on a swivel chair. That should do the trick. And to take care of my own inebriation, I intend to shoot rubbing alcohol directly into my veins. And if I start to bleed, I'll just use the rubbing alcohol to wash the wound too.

I plan on introducing the world (minus the Philippines, Guam, and Hawaii) to the Spam diet. Spamwiches, Spamburgers, split Spam soup, Spam salad, Spamberry ice cream...you get the idea. Best part about Spam is that it's like Lambus bread: one bite will fill me up...with 1300% of my daily value of sodium. The tricky part will be keeping my heart beating during meal times (a wet fork to the electric socket oughtta do it). But you know, you gotta risk big to win big. Unfortunately though, I may become what some societies refer to as a "fat ass" and start engaging in "fat ass" activities like "breaking chairs, stools, and toilets" and "scaring young children," but I'm not one to fight change. That requires too much energy. I'll probably succumb to the itis before reaching that point anyway.

Lastly, my biggest expense will have to come to a dramatic stop. No, it's not eating out, taking cabs, or buying corporate coffee. It's not designer clothes, exotic vacations, or alimony for a stripper named Areola Divine. My biggest expense: buying vowels. Do you know how much vowels cost these days?? $250 for every A, E, I, O, U (but fortunately never Y) that I use. Pat Sajak is the biggest thief in American history. He's jacking my wallet! For this blog entry alone, I had to spend $1,250. At this rate, I'm gonna land on bankrupt pretty soon. So from this point on, n mr byng vwls, k? Wsts mny thts ndd fr xpnsv apt. Sjk cn sck my blls!


[Note: If you're interested in taking over my current apartment, it's available at a low price. Don't be deterred by the refugee comment above. I was actually referring to my first apartment which I vacated in 2007 after a flash flood nearly drowned my teddy bear Gandalf! For some reason, the "You shall not pass!" line doesn't quite work with rising storm water.]

[Note for the note: The previous note was written before the vowel ban came into effect. It's not like I'm breaking my own rule immediately after making it. I mean, I guess I am breaking it now, but I had to explain the note above...rgh fck, k rl brkn, lst tm, prms. vwls r dn. cnsnnts nly.]