Resoloot!

Most people are full of shit when it comes it to New Year's resolutions. They say things like no more chocolate, or no more alcohol, or no more chocolate alcohol. Then two days after January 1st you find out that they OD'ed on mudslides and white russians and crashed into a tree. Don't worry though, they don't drive and only crashed by walking with their eyes closed. And walking under the influence is not a crime yet, it's only frowned up...or smiled upon if you subscribe to schaudenfraude.

But unlike these shit-full people, I only make realistic New Year's resolutions, ones that I can keep. I've devised this list of original resolutions that are guaranteed to make life better in this new rotation of the earth around the fire-monster.

New New Year's Resolutions:

1) Sew the holes in my pants pockets (or at least staple them shut). Dimes and pennies keep slipping through and careen down my pant leg into my socks. I'm tired of my leg feeling like a coin slide game at the boardwalk. '09: the time to fill that hole!

2) Give my keychain lego man a new right hand. He doesn't have to be an amputee in the new year, especially when I can steal the c-shaped hand from a lego cop or a lego underwater explorer. Either that or I should just rip out keychain lego man's left hand so at least that way, his OCD maniacal need for symmetry doesn't drive him insane. It's all about balance in the '09. ( I think I only applied the article "the" before '09 because of the show "The OC." get it? The Oh Nine?)

3) Curb my alcoholism by experimenting with harder drugs. Snow will take on a new meaning this winter and crack will no longer refer to the cleavage between the two hemispheres of your ass. Hardcore drugs: my anti-alcohol in '09.

4) Go to the gym regularly...to use their shower. The drain in my bathroom's tub keeps clogging and something tells me that wading around in my own filth does not make me clean. Instead, I should be showering in front of strangers at the gym like Old Man Withers and Uni-nut. Gotta keep it so fresh and so clean in '09.

5) Try new diets for a better, healthier me. I hear the pizza diet is really effective. A slice a day keeps the skinny away, I always say, while reclining on my duvet, drinking a glass of cabernet, dreaming of a pizza buffet. I stole this bit from Adam Sandley...I'm really looking forward to having a doughier body and smelling like cheese all the time. Aged mozzarella, the new fragrance in '09.

6) Wipe my own ass after taking shits.

7) Do more reading...like of the gender classification printed on bathroom doors, or over the shoulders of people text messaging on the train, or in my bowl of Alpha-bits cereal. Reading is FUNdamental and fun can happen anywhere. Literacy, it's the new fad in the '09.

8) When meeting new people, don't apologize that my hand is wet having just washed them and shake their hand anyway and hold on for as long as possible. That way, they won't ever forget me. I'll always be that mysterious gentleman with a grasp like the ocean. Aqueous encounters in 2009!

9) Learn a new language, preferably the language of love. But if that class is full or has lofty pre-reqs, I'll sign up for pottery instead. That Demi-Swayze pottery scene is like the epitome of love, so I'd say that's a perty good stand-in. Besides, what female could say no to a hand-made ash tray or multi-purpose bowl? None worth knowing, I always say. Pour one out for love pottery in '09.

10) Replace all the pens in my office with glitter pens because even in a mechanical, banal office setting, everyone deserves to smile, and nothing pulls up the ends of your mouth quite like glitter does. It's kind of like seeing your name on a Christmas stocking, only it's everywhere. GLITTER signature! GLITTER memo! GLITTER pink slip! GLITTER OH NINE!