Comic Con 2009: A plethora of lonely men, perpetual strangers to the touch of woman

Today I came down with a case of the buttyflies. Awaiting in my email inbox was an anouncement that none other than Joss Whedon--creator of Buffy, Angel, Firefly, and Serenity-- would be a guest of honor at this year's convention of comics (no, not the funny kind). The email reached out to me and uttered, "This is it, true believer!" What else could I do but surrender my credit card info in exchange for advanced tickets to this nerd rodeo, this homage to geek mecca...Geeka, if you will. I can already smell that heavenly concoction of poor hygiene, distressed newsprint, and brace-face flatulence. The nerds are upon us and no one is safe!

I sometimes forget that I am among their ranks, perhaps having been deluded by Mysterio's trickery or a sinister spell from Sarumon. But I quickly take stock of my environment, my lair, and am easily reminded of my nerdicity:

1) Even my Spider-Man doll wears X-men tighty whities. Yes, doll. Not action figure. The action figure is still sealed in it's original packaging and not available for additional under garments.

2) Every pimple on my acne-besieged face is named after a crew member of the Starship Enterprise: Geordi LaForge and Deanna Troi on my chin, Mr. Data and Lieutenant Worf on my temples, Commander Riker on my cheek, and Captain Jean Luc Picard sits on the bridge (of my nose). And whenever the Captain looks like he's about to burst, I always interpret that as him about to say, "Number one, engage!"

3) Anytime my morning bagel gets burnt, I let out a yell to the gods, "FRACKIN TOASTER!"

4) I have a wanted poster from the state police of Michigan with my mug on it. It's real. It's a precious reminder from the Detroit Con (in the biz, we call em Cons, ya know, short for convention) of 2000 when I shoved a wannabe Wolverine into a Pikachu so I could get a picture with the real Batman (at the time, Val Kilmer). How do I know it wasn't the real Woverine? He was in a wheelchair! So obvious! The real Logan has a mutant healing factor and would never need one of those! Duhhh!

5) On my desk, enclosed in a plexi-bi-carbonite glass case, is a special edition, limited printing, director's cut, leatherbound, hardcover, doube-sized, remastered, 50th anniversary issue of the first appearance of Captain America's sidekick's canine's apprentice Uncle Sam. According to the certificate of authenticity, it's #48 of only 349 copies printed in the world. Eat that, Comic Book Guy.

6) On my left butt cheek sits a tattoo portrait of Optimus Prime, gun in hand and ready for action. Beneath him is the inscription "Transform and roll out!" And yes, you're right, true nerds fear pain more than the opposite sex, so don't worry, the tattoo is not real. I re-draw Optimus on my ass every morning with a sharpy and a complex arrangement of mirrors.

7) For my 25th suprise birthday party, I was deceivingly taken to a comic book store in order to distract me while my entire family dressed up as Super Mario World characters. Someone was even Birdo from Super Mario 2. When I entered the party, I leaped over a fireball and landed on Bowser's head, ultimately disposing him from the bridge. Unfortunately, I immediately learned that the Princess was actually in another castle...

There you have it. Undeniable proof of my nerditude. If you're interested in joining me for this grand occasion, let me know and I can forward you the application to prove your own geekature. The passing of this nerd litmus test will of course be followed by some obligatory hazing. Hope you have an affinity for light sabers! They have oh so many uses!