Twitter me this, twitter me that

I have just been informed that I may have to begin twittering for work. And no, twitter is not some euphemism for an illicit sexual deed, as in "I caressed her blog, and she twittered like never before." Twitters are those automatic updating feeds on the everyday ongoings of people's lives, often serving as a reminder that even the most celebrated and revered are hopelessy mundane at the daily level.

I can only imagine the type of riveting mass updates I would be paid to deliver every hour from my office desk:

"Hmm, it is 9:30. What will I have for lunch today? Menu pages!"

"This paper clip ladder is going into the Guinness Book of World Records! I could climb down the Empire State Building on this thing!"

"20-minute power nap on the toilet...so refreshed! Hope Wanda who sits by the bathroom doesn't give me the judging I-know-you-just-office-pooed eyes."

"Head down + furrowed brow + highlighter in hand = looking busy. Little do they know that I'm just drawing neon green puppies in the margins of my office-mate's planner. You just got Atomic Dogged!"

"hehe, this game is great: http://www.break.com/games/icebreaker.html. It makes me feel like Jason Strathorn in Crank."

"That's not what I expected Human Tetris to look like. I was anticipating a video of people falling on top of one another in neat little stacks."

"Time for a real office poo...and maybe another toilet nap."

"Just got caught dancing in the elevator, again. I tried playing it off as if I were stretching, but really, who stretches doing the Kid n Play?"

"New ad campaign for candy cigarettes: Need a smoke break but hate smoke?"

"If I keep printing out 20 page documents, it appears as though I am doing important work. Clearly I am willing to sacrifice the environment to maintain the ruse of productivity. So be it."

"Googling my name produces innapropriate and unflattering results? How do I resolve this?"

"Ugh, my leg just fell asleep. Lucky leg!"

"Sitting in this chair for 8 hours straight probably has the same effect on my ass that snorting coke has on my brain :)"

"What if I snuck viagra into my co-worker's vitamins? Do you think he'd get a raise?"

"Time to leave! Peace out! Lights out!"