The Doctor Dilemma

In my online quest for a primary-care doctor (via zocdoc.com), an emergent fear suddenly jumped my brain and wouldn't let go. This doc directory provides profile pictures of every latex-gloved candidate, and eerily enough, I found myself face to face with the next potential person to hold my ball sack. It's a much more daunting process than I ever imagined.

I've never chosen my physician before. Ever since I can remember, I saw the same middle-aged Greek doctor (let's call him Odysseus) with cavernous nostrils and Sam Eagle eyebrows every year for my regular physical. But his office, adorned with pastel teddy bears and acrobatic clowns, hardly seems appropriate for me anymore. Plus it's in a faraway land called Joisey. The journey there is fraught with demon-spawns and uncomfortable encounters with parental units, so I dare not venture there for a checkup.

This leaves me in a bind since I'm accustomed to only Odysseus exploring the nether regions of my body. My mother suggested I see her physician friend, but I'd rather not have Auntie Joanie poking a flashlight into my interior designs. The only other option? Find someone on the internet of course. And in net-like fashion, zocdoc compiles lists of potential doctors complete with star ratings, user reviews, quotes, google map links, and the ever important, all-telling profile picture. I wonder if these doctors fret over their profiles the way I do with my facebook. "Can you tell I work out from this pic? Does it say 'cool but not too cool to be silly' or does it say 'self-absorbed and trying too hard?' Sigh...Maybe I should just post a pic of Obama to show how politically aware I am and how I'm not a racist?"

The availability of their pictures presents a new a dilemma. I inevitably weigh their history of education and patient satisfaction against the stereotypical conjectures that come up with this immediate visual information. It's almost like I'm people-watching in Union Square. Dr. Mellon-head looks like a football player. I bet his giant hands would make my penis really feel like a twig and berries. Dr. Doogie Howser would be like having your freshman year roommate check you for scoliosis. Dr. Smoking is too hot to be a doctor, and I'd be afraid that her mere touch would make me embarrassingly aroused...I wonder if she's single. And then there's Dr. Pedophile...

The site also equips me with additional racial information that wouldn't otherwise be gleaned from a surname. I see one black doctor out of a set of ten white guys, and I almost feel obligated to support him. But then there's also the Southeast Asian looking doctor and you know I got to support my sister. Then again, she kind of reminds me of this girl in college who was so petite that at house parties, she would drunkenly climb into the drying machine to prove her hobbitness. I don't think I could possibly see this doctor with a straight face.

It all boils down to what a person values in a doctor. Does one prefer cold objectivity and even colder hands? Or does one prefer a gentle bedside manner that can still smile while breaking the news that you have herpes? Is an older woman a better choice because she's reminiscent of a matriarch? Or is the younger man preferable because he can relate? In the end, the final choice a patient makes is mostly indicative of the patient themself.

So what does it say about me when I ultimately choose the doctor that most closely resembles Super Mario? But who better to check the plumbing than thee plumber himself?