Religulous

You would think being hogtied, blindfolded, and gagged would be a weekend of fun...but nay, 'tis not, especially when you think the safeword is 'banana' but it turns out there is no safeword. Outrageous, I know, but my captors were not out for fun; they were out for Christ. I was kidnapped and taken to...waitforit...Church...gasp...on a Sunday...yelp...for mass...ohgodwhy! Scarier than fiction, I tell you. As soon as they hauled me through the arches, I thought my skin would start to melt from eternal damnation. Fortunately I was given a chance at redemption. They removed my blindfold and shoved a white piece of paper in my face. The bold-face Helvetica at the top read 'A Spiritual Quiz.' "This is your last chance heretic!" snarled the gangly priest at the altar, laden in shadows and intrigue. I feverishly took the paper and answered as best I could. I'm the cram king, but sadly, no amount of last-minute-in-the-hallway-outside-the-classroom cramming could've prepped me for a quiz of this magnitude. Needless to say, I failed with flying colors. "Don't cross me," the priest muttered as he graded my piss poor paper. It was at that point, that by the good graces of determinism, karma, Kwaanza, and all things not Catholic, a busload of 12-year-old altar boys arrived, filtering into the church. I saw the distracted look of the priest, and I ran for dear life, escaping the clutches of organized religion. And I lived to tell the tale. I was saved.

And fortunately for you, dear reader, I snatched up my quiz before I ran away. I have provided it here for your approval:

A Spritual Quiz

1. Have you recently thanked Jesus for all He has done for you?

I recently sent him an e-card from someecards.com. It read “Thanks for informing me that my mailbox is over its size limit.” He hasn’t emailed me a response. I don’t think he appreciates it, Mister “I’m the Son of God and Savior to the world.” Can’t even send a ‘you’re welcome’ to us average Joes, huh?

2. Do you regularly say your morning and night prayers?

I pray to the porcelain god many a morning and night. Oh, Mr. Flushy…always there for me. [Note to self: when you’re lactarded and addicted to alcohol, white Russians are the best idea you’ve had since shaving your pimples to make them go away.]

3. Do you say a prayer of thanksgiving (Grace) before your meals?

“Rub a dub dub. Thanks for the grub. Yay god.”

4. Do you turn to Jesus in prayer when you are troubled or depressed?

Only if you call Zoloft “Jesus.”

5. Do you pray for friends and others who have serious problems?

No, I simply stop calling them friends.

6. If a person is having difficulties, do you encourage them to pray?

I encourage them to man up / woman up, and get over it! Illiteracy isn’t gonna fix itself.

7. When you visit a sick person, do you say a prayer with them?

Why would I visit a sick person? Gross. Now where did I put my ‘Outbreak’ full-body rubber suit?

8. Have you read the Bible during the past week?

No, sorry, I wasn’t in boys school detention or prison last week.

9. Do you contribute to your church and deserving charities?

My church is 6 inches high and made of legos. Just yesterday I gave it rotating seats, a retractable roof, and a lego batman priest. I’m considering taking it apart and making it into a spaceship. It can fly to the earth’s legorbit and explore the legozone. After the launch, I can look to the sky, shade my eyes with my hand, and say, "it's legone."

10. Does Jesus Christ occupy the number one place in your life?

No. This guy does:

“3, 2, 1…1, 2, 3…what the heck is bother me??” There isn't a single life experience he hasn't helped me through. You'll always be number one in my book, Big Guy...Got any cheeeese?