4 Truths and a Lie

In a The Office type moment in my own office, "Michael" decided we should celebrate the holidays (read: Christmas, the holidaysiest of the holidays) by locking all the employees in the conference room and forcing us to engage in friendly conversation through a cacophony of holiday music, mostly about sleigh rides and winter wonderlands, neither of which I've ever actually seen before. And as much as I love the album Weird Al Does Christmas, when it's pumped to high volume and looped for 3 hours straight in a tight room without windows, I think it's appropriate and perhaps imperative to invoke the Geneva Conventions. To make matters worse, "Michael" upped the ante and shifted gears to waterboarding level. He made us play games...get-to-know-your-co-worker games, as in find-out-who-the-office-slut-and-office-lush-are games. The first incarnation of this unsavory act was an icebreaker--although no ice was actually broken--called 4 truths and a lie. The objective of this game is to present 4 truths and 1 lie about yourself, and let your co-workers pretend that they give a damn. Then, rinse and repeat until your hair falls out.

As always, I saved my truths and lie. But aren't all truths lies and all lies truths? I am so deep...Without further ado, I give you 4 truths and one lie. Can you guess which is which?

1) When I was five years old, I had a very absurd and unhealthy phobia of bread after witnessing a baguette maul a sesame roll to pieces. Wonder-Bread did nothing to save the roll.

2) I keep a red pill and a blue pill in the bottom drawer of my desk. Despite the 50-50 chance of me choosing differently, I inevitably swallow the red pill, put on my leather trench coat, and wait for Morpheus to show me how deep the rabbit-hole goes. He never comes. But at least I escape "reality" for a few hours.

3) While drunk at the annual office gala, I approached Helen Zia and told her she was the hottest lesbian journalist I ever met. Surprisingly, she still wouldn't switch teams, but I was consoled by the fact that up close, she appears soggier than day-old oatmeal.

4) I spent a month in Ecuador working at a school for poor children. And by "Ecuador" I really mean the tavern down the block and by "working" I really mean "catering to my alcoholism." I'm still not sure how a school for poor children fits into all of this.

5) During a family vacation in my teenage years, I was almost ejected from the Magic Kingdom because of an angry Winnie the Pooh. He called me out, I thought I was safe. I had no other choice but to curse him out and kick dirt into his shins. Fat fucking bear.