As many proud iPhone users have come to discover, the iPhone is chock full of cool tricks and shortcuts that you are meant to discover on your own (like that mole underneath your you-know-what) or by word of mouth (like Chicken and Rice, conveniently open at all hours of the night on 53rd and 6th). This is because Apple has gone out of their way to include with the iPhone an instruction manual as thick as a napkin. So, out of the goodness of my heart and my dedication to the masses, I have compiled below my favorite and coolest things that the iPhone can do that you probably didn’t know. To put it simply, your phone couldn’t hold my phone’s jock. Happy touch-screening!
Need to find somewhere to eat? If you scroll all the way to the last page of your desktop/phone-top interface thingy, you’ll find a small icon with the face of a bearded man hovering over the block letters “JESUS.” If you drag your thumb over the icon twice, making the sign of the cross on the screen, the iPhone will take five loaves of bread and two fish and feed a multitude of over 5,000 people. Best of all, the leftovers will amount to 12 baskets of food which you can definitely bring to the office the next day for lunch/Biblical feast.
Looking for love? While at a club/lounge/basement party/dentist waiting room, hold up the iPhone to any hot female or male, double click the home key, and it’ll automatically send you their name and 10-digit phone number. What if it’s a mediocre to border-line “only approach with beer goggles” female/male? Fear not, the iPhone sensors will detect your ere in judgment and send a 10w surge of electricity straight to your nards or ovaries. Thank the iPhone for saving you that embarrassing trip to Planned Parenthood. ;)
Ever need to show your ID? Well, just hold up your iPhone, and the NYPD will come and shoot you.
The stocking application! One of the most innovative applications for the iPhone is the fabulous stocking app. This infinitely useful application is also free and a must for all iPhone users. Simply place your iPhone discreetly in the purse or pocket of any unsuspecting target, and then, from the comfort of your own home or any unmarked, nondescript econoline van, log onto the website stocking.com and it’ll instantly track your target using the iPhone’s GPS. Whether it’s the office, the grocery, home alone…you’ll know where your target is at all times! It works so well you’ll endlessly wonder just how stocking was even possible in the pre-iPhone era!
What’s your favorite iPhone trick or tip? Leave me some droppings!
5 comments:
what button do you press to time-warp you into this decade and get a text messaging plan?
it's the same key i press to booty call your mom.
i like the "Guy's Night" button, press it and it immediately brings you to a room filled with Beer, Pizza, and Macgyver sitting on a couch (aka Richard Dean Anderson)
did u know there's a way to text message thru aim?
i've downloaded the bj app. unfortunately, the free/lite version is a girl with braces. talk about bait and switch.
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