The Use of Emoticons: Mostly Con

(today's entry comes from guest contributor "A to the J," the shortest Roman alphabet there is)

I casually began my daily inbox ritual - deleting my cousin’s chain letter, fearing my horoscope (what’s the “life-changing event” today? I thought my morning visit to the toilet was big enough), saving the 6-inch Extenza Limited Time Offer Ben and Jerry’s coupon – when the streamlined process came to a jarring halt in the face of this (no pun intended):

:(

I’m confused. What is that? Sanskrit? Cuneiform? Two dots chasing an elbow? Before my eyes stood that modern form of communication, that undeniable way to convey your feelings electronically: an emoticon.

Cute. Yes. Believable. No. I don’t know many people who can turn their head 90 degrees to the right, let alone frown while doing it. If it was to the left, maybe. If this was from my tree frog Jethro, definitely yes (she is quite flexible. As for her name - don’t ask.). But, in this email’s context of setting up a man-date with broheims and brosephs this thing was like Andre the Giant at a 5-year old’s birthday party or Jenna Jameson at church. Out. Of. Place.

I do see the silver lining. It’s fast and economic. Also, these displays abound in their original homelands of Japan, Korea, and China. The use of such by a man, moreso a white man in flannel, highlights – in a sense - the embracing of Asian culture worldwide. But, just like Colonel Sanders wanting to give Wendy a taste of his crispy strip, it ain’t right. I communicate in fist pumps. I speak in grunts. I write with blood (or blue and black ink). But, never will my inner sanctum be expressed short-hand through the strategic use of punctuation. In this case, yes, the use of an emoticon was striking. Unfortunately, it was a strike out.

-A.J. aka Aoogie Jrown